Saturday, February 10, 2007
1:30 AM
Biography and Self Reflectivity
I noe its 1am in the morn...im supposed to be resting coz tmr gonna be a long long day. But this thought juz occured to me and i guess i shd pen it down (type it down in dis case haha) for my future reference.
We learn in qualitative inquiry that sociologists often construct research questions by reflecting on their biography, their history, their past & lived experiences. This engagement in self-reflectivity dictate the philosophical and intellectual position and how they see the social reality. I was tossing ard in bed hahaha (yes i do dat :p) and i was wondering why I feel so strongly about the SC3221 project that im doing with mas - Malay riders/bikers as a subcultural unit: Identity formation and gendered power relations. I mean, i don't even ride. I dont even fit the bill as a mat motor haha i only have several friends who are from biker gangs.
The identity formation as a marginalized group thingy berjingy and the sense of belonging struck a cord. I was looking back into my biography and realised that all my life, ive always been deviant. A Chinese looking Malay. Pple say that its not bad...im unique etc But ive been outcasted and labelled many2 times in the past. Like 'budak cine ni tau solat ke tak' or 'kau melayu ke cine'..or whisper as i walk past...i dunno... it can be called being overly sensitive, but i juz couldnt find myself fitting in. To be with the Malays or hang out with the Chinese. An identity crisis of the sort. Or when i was in Silat when i was young, i just diden fit. i found myself excluded from the others wen my best fren left. i then lost interest...
But wen i entered JC, i suddenly found myself emersed in Malay related activities, i got really close to my group of frens and fellow exco members. i dunno, i feel like i finally belonged. And maybe this sense of belonging and finding an identity within the group makes me more appreciative of many close groups i began to develop the past few years. I may not be the life of the party but i know dat i belong, i care for them and they do me...I help to the best of my ability and know that they will be there wen i need them - the kambingz, my NS squad mates, the library gang, K2P and the many individuals ive developed a close affinity (correct word? haha) with...jannah, lin, hudee, nurul, mukmin :)
Maybe, this need for belonging, this need for identity actually drives how i look at things, how i do things. Maybe thats why im nice...maybe thats y i want pple to feel good abt themselves and about me. Maybe dats y i get affected if pple dislike/hate/dont appreciate me. Maybe i juz wanna touch the hearts of the pple i meet. Maybe thats y im the way i am...the lil me, the nice me...
.sincera fazzy.
